Habit

I know myself well enough

To know I have a habit

Of being invested in something

A show, a hobby, an idea

And not thinking about anything else

For day, even weeks

And then

I just

Stop

My mind no longer quite that excited about it

To the point where I can ignore it

And not feel panicked

Not feel like I gave up something important

 

I don’t want to feel that way about you

I don’t want to care about you so much

And then not really care anymore

I think that’s why

I don’t tell you directly

Because if you say yes

Then one day it’ll be me saying no

And I don’t want to hurt you like that

 

I guess the wisest thing to do

Would be to fight past that fear

Tell you the truth

See what happens

And if you accept

Then I’d work past the times where I don’t care

Until I do care about you again

 

But I’m not wise

I don’t take my own advice

I can’t take my own advice

And if I can’t break my own bad habits

When it comes to things that don’t matter as much as you

Then how can I convince myself

That I will keep caring when I’m with you?

 

Maybe because you matter

I can feel more motivated to fix myself

But maybe

By the time I do

It’ll already be too late


Anonymous Writer

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